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Agnostic Theist




one sharp silver knife

carves the cancer from my heart

but then, what is left?

“The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat.
The calf and the lion and the yearling together;
And a little child shall lead them.”
Isaiah 11:6, NIV


And the lion will lie down with the lamb,
a monster in peace with her prey,
once a meal, strength for a day
and hope for her cubs.
But now a friend beside her.

How long can this magnificent beast live on grass alone?
How thin will her milk be?
How long will her cubs mewl before peace goes away?

Does the big cat purr,
willing the lamb to lean closer?
Do her purrs whisper,
“Drift into slumber, my friend.”

Lamb must be trusting to accept this truce.
no claws, no fangs;
no speed, no grip to climb.
Not one defense.

This peace is thin and one-sided.
Does she know, the lamb,
that this peace is a mist, a vapor that could evaporate
in one quick

Even God is not a vegetarian.
Abel’s sacrifice pleased the Lord,
a lamb who knew only love from the shepherd
until the time was right.

Goodbye, Sweet Jesus

Is this


Sweet Jesus?

imaginary friend

perfect boyfriend

kind father in the sky

gatherer of souls

whisperer of secrets

community builder

hippie at the mall

God walking among us.

It might have been nice

if you’d existed.

But  reality is




You let go.

You let go,
terrified beyond sensation.
But what are your options?
Here you will implode.

Will gravity
or the hand of God
grab you by your ankles
and slam you
to the cold, hard ground?

Stomach dives.
Head first you fly,
then jerk upright.
No parachute.
no hand of God,
no miracle,
but your own wings
guide you
not to heaven,
but to earth,
which is green
for the first time

maybe we can still be friends

i cannot let go.

or perhaps, it is he who will not let go of me.

i am tired.

of thinking about it.

what conclusion can i hope to reach?

who am i that i should figure it out?

the mysteries. of life, death, redemption, this world, the next

which ones are real?

what i believe does not matter, i think.

i can only live in this moment

and listen.

and look for friends.

who are listening too.

what can I do but

love justice

do mercy

walk humbly.



the absurdity

hits me.

and i mourn

that i’ve wasted

so much

of this precious life

– the one god gave me –

on religion.

how vain

to think

i had 

figured it out

or could do anything

to please my creator

other than living

this life.

good girl and gay guy get married.

in the 80s when i was still an evangelical good girl and had never been kissed, i met the love of my life, my soul-mate. he was different than other guys i had dated in a million ways. he valued me as a person. he treated me as an equal. he was not paternalistic, he was not afraid of thinking, he wanted me for more than my body.

he was also very gay. which i did not figure out until he told me not long after our 14th wedding anniversary. once he confessed this to me, it was immediately obvious. an epic “duh” moment. it explained everything.

being angry at him would have been easy. he still tells me that he’s sorry for ruining my life. but what was he supposed to do? really. in our world gay wasn’t considered to be a “real” thing. so he married a girl that he was deeply attracted to – mostly attracted to. he was one girl short of gay.

but how long can someone live in this mental duality? without going mad, that is. how long can you keep it up? not forever. it wasn’t pretty. truthfully, it almost killed him. it devastated me. it’s such a mess.

so, keep preaching fire and brimstone for gays or deny that gay exists. just be prepared.  your daughters – especially the ones committed to chastity – just might fall in love and marry that cute gay guy who respects her enough to wait until marriage. what else is he supposed to do?

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