My break up with Jesus took decades. Despite my sheltered and indoctrinated upbringing, seeds of doubt were planted early on and continued to gather, but I didn’t dare entertain them. I was aware that the doubts were there – but I only that.
I would ask myself, “What’s true?” but little else.
Living within dual realities is a mind-fuck of epic proportions – at least it is for me. I’ve learned to call it cognitive dissonance, and it’s chatter is exhausting.
I wanted to know the truth – so badly at times that I thought death was the key to finding out – at least I’d know one way or the other.
This crazy internal conflict came up, thankfully, in a therapy session when I was in the first year of being a pastor’s wife. My therapist’s response was simple – and of course a question: “what rings true?”
I didn’t say so, but my internal response was “that’s no help. how can we trust our thoughts – our feelings? What ‘rings true’ could be a lie from Satan to lead me astray.”
My verbal response was “I don’t know.”
To ask myself, “What rings true?” had never crossed my mind.
But those three words nagged at me until, with time and practice, I set my intuition free and learned to trust myself. And as I did, the core of my lifelong depression began to melt away.
I will never forget the moment that I let myself actually try on the possibility of this earth being all that there is. It was a deliberate effort and took a lot of concentration. It was as though I could physically feel parts of my mind doing a dance. It was like trying to force magnetic opposites together, like my neural pathways tried to repel the efforts.
But when I finally got those three other words, “this is it,” pinned down long enough to feel, I knew what rang true and felt it with every fiber of my being.