the death cult of christianity

when i was a teen – when i was most in love with jesus (and really did think of him as my boyfriend – without all the kissing) – that verse “to live is christ; to die is gain” was extremely real to me. and it has stuck with me until just about a month ago.

dying is better than living. in fact dying is the REAL living. i really believed it. a lot of people still believe it.

i have been to funerals that were celebratory – yay! he’s dead! he died of a brain aneurysm! he’s with jesus now! never mind that he has a grieving widow and five-year-old son and won’t experience another minute of this life.

i believed it so much, that when a girl in my dorm committed suicide, i breathed a secret sigh of relief – she was in the arms of jesus and was done struggling.

i believed it so much, that while i was attending a very conservative seminary/grad school, i considered going out to the crappy tennis courts, pouring gasoline on myself, and lighting myself on fire – because there were “sins” i just couldn’t stop, and this world was a dark place anyway.

i believed it so much, that when i was first doubting the jesus thing, my angst of not knowing the truth was so great that i considered ending it all just so i would know the answer. i hate suspense – not knowing.

a mom drowning her babies in a bathtub because this world is so bad, i never thought that, but i get moms who do. i know those thought patterns. they are real.

i never came close to making actual plans of suicide – these were just fantasies for me. i was not that mental. the point is that i wasn’t close to crazy, but i thought this way. it was logical.

more than one person in my family has been hospitalized with a “nervous breakdown” because they were afraid of sex – or just afraid of the wrong boy asking them to a middle school dance.

for me to live . . .

i look back and feel sorry for that girl who was taught to be afraid of this world – afraid to sneak out and go to a high school dance, afraid of kissing a boy (or a girl), afraid of going to a secular university, afraid of making non-christian friends, afraid of drinking a glass of wine, afraid of reading a book that wasn’t written by the right kind of christian.

it was only about a month ago that i decided to “try on” atheism – let my thoughts finally, seriously go there. i was afraid. i braced myself. would life become meaningless? hopeless?

oh. my. god. dumping  jesus was stunning – like getting glasses for the first time. this life. this precious life. i had no idea.


4 thoughts on “the death cult of christianity

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  1. So I gave it more thought, and I think I understand from where you are coming. Not completely, because I didn’t grow up in as restrictive an environment as you did, but at least somewhat.

    The good news is, I’m not going to try to convince you that you’re wrong, or that you should change your mind. That’s totally between you and God. And, I’m not going to take your blog and pick it apart, because nothing is so infuriating as to take something I have said or written, and instead of seeing the big picture, a person just picks it apart like … road kill… or something like that. So I won’t do that.

    I don’t think that Christians should ever communicate to anyone that this life is to be despised. Anyone who did say that to you screwed up, whether it was blatant or implied. This life is intended to be enjoyed, just not something we’re totally in love with. I mean, God gave us chocolate. He created… everything! … including, but not limited to flowers, kittens, chocolate, babies, sunsets, coral reefs, hugs, chocolate, wine, FRENCH FOOD, sandy beaches, did I mention chocolate? 🙂 But, unfortunately, there’s the not-so-enjoyable part of this life, too, and I know, as you do, the basis for and the extent to which people suffer. This life teaches us to love, to laugh, to cry, to rejoice, to grieve, to live – so when we finally do it forever we’re kind of good at it.

    Why do Christians celebrate at another’s funeral? Well, at my first stepdad’s funeral, a man you knew, we celebrated because he had suffered for so long with cancer. I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure my step-siblings just long to be able to hug him again. And that celebration wasn’t meant to discount any of that grief, just perhaps, for awhile, alleviate it.

    One of my stepsisters lost a baby. He was only 15 months old and we were all shocked. There is comfort in thinking that he’s with Jesus now. But I don’t think any of that takes away from the ache that my stepsister feels when she doesn’t have her youngest son to give little kisses to. I don’t think our faith is supposed to take away from that. It surely isn’t some kind of magical emotional eraser.

    All of your 30 reasons is valid, but overall, I think you’re laying the blame in the wrong place. I’ve screwed up countless times, but it doesn’t make God any less real, or any less perfect. It makes me a mess that He loves anyway. That’s something.

    My old (by which I mean, we go way back) friend, there is nothing wrong with questioning what you were taught, and making your faith your own. I would caution you against going to the opposite extreme, mostly because there must be some reason why you stuck with what you stuck with for so long. If I may recommend a book to a librarian, try “Surprised by Joy” by C.S. Lewis. You may find it interesting, and not for the reasons you think I want you to read it.

    Faith defies logic. And, an intelligent person can reason himself or herself into or out of anything he or she wishes to. It’s not about pleasing others, and ESPECIALLY not our parents, because they’re oh, so imperfect. It’s about just one relationship – ours with God – and making that the best it can be. It’s about looking in the mirror and realizing you are wonderfully made, all your parts, and their parts, and the parts of those parts, to the nth degree, work together beautifully, and it’s by design you are here, with a purpose, a unique purpose that is only your own. I pray you find it. I hope this doesn’t put me on any list of “people to avoid” that you might have. It surely is not my place to judge, or criticize, or try to convince you of anything. Just be friends again. 🙂

    Take good care. I look forward to reading more.

  2. It is a pity you did not take up the Bible and found out what is really written in it and not looking at denominational and dogmatic teachings.
    The problem with a lot of fundamentalists Christian groups is that their followers start believing all those ‘fairy tales’ and stay tuned to traditions which have nothing to do with the Word of God.
    So often when people got to know more of what is really written in the Bible,they find out that they have been tricked by their church in humbug and fabrications, and then they feel deceived and taken in.
    Instead for looking for the truth they abandon the faith, which is a shame.

    Please go looking for the truth and find peace for your hearth.

    1. what a pity that you assume that i haven’t. believe me, i have. for the first time in my life, i am at peace. i am not abandoning “the faith” – “the faith” simply does not exist.

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